Won't Let Go, I Promise
by TeaPotts
Summary: One of Matt's deepest secrets is the younger sister he refuses to tell anybody about. He just can't bear to share the horrific memories her name brings to mind.
1. Eavesdropping

_**AN: **The world of Primeval does not belong to me, the future depicted is not of my imagination but of the writer's of Primeval, and the characters of Matt and Gideon do not belong to me. I will only take credit for Ciara [keer-ah] and and the soon-to-be baby Anderson._

Matt tried to just lie in bed and ignore the screaming heard from the other side of the thin wall, but he just couldn't. His parents hardly ever fought and when they did, it was serious. He couldn't just ignore it. So, like any other curious child, he crawled out of bed and pressed his ear against the poorly built wall; a wall built quickly and simply for the sake of giving the children of the unit their own space away from the adult issues.

"It's too dangerous, Gideon! We can't go through with this! It's hard enough to take care of Matthew, you really want the burden of an infant on our shoulders too?"

"Ciara, please!" Gideon's voice was loud, but calm. Matt couldn't see, but his father was placing his hands on his mother's shoulders now, trying to calm her down as well. "I'm not trying to make things difficult, but you know where I've always stood on this matter. I used to be a doctor, you know very well!"

Matt's face twisted up at the sound of his mother crying. God how he hated that.

"And Matthew is a good boy, he tries his best not to burden us. You know he does his job and he keeps all those children safe."

"I know, I know. But he's still a child, Gideon. _Our_ child. He's only 8 years old. He still needs us. And if he needs us, I can't…I can't even think about another child needing us like that. We don't have the time, we don't have the food or the supplies. And those storms…those storm become worse every day. How do you expect an infant to survive that?"

"Many don't…" Gideon responded, just above a whisper. He'd seen many children die from the toxicity of the very air they breathed. There was no guarantee anybody would survive the next wave, but that didn't mean they didn't deserve a chance to try. "But you know I just couldn't…I couldn't willingly agree to let my own child not be given a fighting chance...I mean...well...you know what I mean..."

"So you'd rather they be born and you fall in love with them and then have them die? For what? The off chance that they could help keep the human race going, or some noble shit like that? Are you even thinking? And what about me? What about the dangers I'll have trying to carry a child in this world? Those predators —"

Matt stepped back from the wall, he couldn't handle hearing about the predators. His nightmares were full of the beasts, tearing his friends and his family to shreds and him unable to protect them. It was his worst fear. Especially being in charge of all the other children in his unit; being the oldest put him in that position when adults couldn't be there for them…or when some parents didn't make it back. Matt took a deep breath and pressed his ear to the wall again.

"Please, please, don't talk like that. I didn't mean it like that. Of course I care about you, of course I don't want harm to fall upon you. I'll keep you safe, I promise. I always have, haven't I?" There was a pause and then his father spoke again, "Just think about this, please…please? Because you know the other way is no easier, we don't have the technology we used to, the procedures are just as likely to —" He cut off and never finished his sentence, but even Matt knew very well the rest of the sentence would be something along the lines of 'kill you.'

There was a brief silence during which Matt could only hear the sound of his parents crying; his father sounding desperate with silent pleas lacing each breath he took and his mother still sobbing through harsh breaths. Matt closed his eyes, trying not to cry himself.

"Okay…I trust you...we'll give this a chance…and we'll give them the fighting chance they deserve…I'm just scared..."

He could hear the sigh of relief his father let out, and he could see the small, twitchy smile clearly in his head.

"I know you are, darling. But if anything should start to go wrong…the moment anything bad happens…I'll take your side…we'll do things your way…I promise, I won't — I won't lose you."

Matt wondered if he should let on that he'd been listening in, that he now knew he was going to be an older brother. Then he thought of how his father always told him not to eavesdrop, that what adults talked about was not his concern until they directly approached him. He felt like he'd be doing wrong in telling his parents, so he quietly tiptoed back to his bed, he crawled under the covers, and he tried his best to fall asleep. He tossed and turned for awhile, not sure how he felt about this news. He just couldn't get his mother's words out of his head. He may not understand everything in this world, but he understood danger. His mother was risking her health and her safety for this baby now, and he was stuck imagining the worst. With his face buried in his pillow, he cried himself to sleep.

But in the morning he'd stick by his initial plan to not let them know he overheard, and he would wait until they brought it up to him. That's what a good boy does; a good boy doesn't burden his parents when they already live everyday giving you everything they can in a world so scarce.


	2. Breaking the News

Matt was sitting at a small table with 3 younger boys he was watching over and playing with. A smile was on his face and for a little while, as his parents watched, they could almost see his child-like spark still present in his eyes. He'd grown up way too fast, he was barely two years old when their world started falling apart and instead of things getting better, things just got worse. He grew up in a place where maturity and survival instinct came before everything else, where teenagers were immediately sent out to help as adults and children were constantly in charge of each other, where their friendships literally relied on trusting one another with their lives. Matt was hardly a kid so much as he was a soldier in training, just as all these children were, but sometimes...just sometimes, when things were quiet for once, that old grin came out and his blue eyes sparkled with a childish manner and he laughed, actually laughed, and it was beautiful. It made Ciara realize just how much she'd missed having an actual child, it made her realize how much she really did want this baby, and though all her initial fears were real and powerful, she couldn't help but agree more and more with her husband every day.

"Matty, come here a moment." Ciara finally interrupted him and immediately regretted it as his smile shrunk away and he nodded his head in that all too militaristic fashion.

She wrapped her arm around him as she and Gideon lead him to what could hardly pass as a kitchen but was referred to as such anyway, and was close as they were ever going to get while living underground.

"We need to talk to you about something very important." She said, keeping her voice as soft and motherly as she could, hoping to relax him so he didn't think anything bad had happened. Bad things usually started with the same sentence.

Matt was positive he already knew as he took a seat at the table; they were going to finally tell him about his mother being pregnant, they had finally decided it was going to happen and they were going to tell him now. He'd kept his knowledge of it a secret for three weeks now, determined to let them tell him when they were ready. He nodded his head, prompting his mother on.

She took a seat across from him and caught his eyes, Gideon stood behind her, resting his hands on her shoulders. She was quiet a moment, taking in his eyes, hoping to catch that sparkle in them again, then she sighed and tried to let a small smile cross her face.

"Matt...you do such an amazing job taking care of all those younger kids, you're very...brotherly to them all," she started, not sure exactly how to break the news. She'd been worried about how he would take it for the longest time, mostly afraid he would take it as just one more kid he'd have to watch over. "I think you'd actually make a wonderful older brother and...well...as it turns out, you do in fact get that chance." She tried to ease herself, hoping she hadn't sprung it on him too quickly as he remained silent, taking in the information.

"You're going to be a big brother, Matt!" His father offered in simpler terms, a smile of his own resting on his face, wide enough to hide the premature wrinkles around his tired eyes.

Finally, Matt couldn't help but smile as well. Seeing how happy his mother looked now, compared to the image he'd pictured three weeks earlier as she screamed and sobbed, it was hard not to smile. Before him now was the complete opposite of what he'd heard then; right now he saw proud, happy parents, and for just a moment Matt saw his family as it may have been had they been a family several years earlier, before even the first whispered words of their world ending were going around. A crooked grin crossed his face as his mother reached her hands across the table and grabbed at his.

"I know it's going to be tough but, isn't that exciting? A real proper, older brother!"

He tried not to pick up on the concern buried beneath her enthusiasm and he nodded his head. "Yeah. I-I always wanted to be an older brother." It wasn't a lie, but rather a fantasy he'd had many times before falling asleep. Of course in those dreams they were always a normal family, living a normal life in the years before the crisis. They had a real proper house, like the ones he'd seen in his books, he had a little sister and a little brother, and they always had enough food and enough water, and everybody was happy.

This wasn't going to be anything like that, but the smile it brought to his mother's face to hear those simple words was almost enough to assure him that they could be just as happy as their fantasy counterparts; that was the magic of his mother's smile.


	3. A Child's Worries

Matt constantly worried about his mother as the months went on, he tried not to let it show, but he failed rather miserably. He had a hard time leaving his mother behind on days she couldn't leave their current unit; he would spend those nights curled up in her old quilt, hoping she would make it through the night. His father approached him one of those nights, knelt down in front of him, placed his large hands on his shoulders and gave him that all knowing look.

"What's troubling you, Matthew?"

Matt blinked up at his father, not sure what to say; he'd been convinced he'd done a good job at hiding his emotions. He simply shook his head and looked down at his feet, mumbling "Nothing."

"Is it your ma? Are you worried about her?" He asked gently, trying to make contact with his son's downcast eyes.

"I don't like leaving her behind when we have to move...that one time...she didn't come join us for 3 days, da...I-I was scared." He admitted it like it was a bad thing, as if being scared was the weakest thing he could be perceived as. It didn't matter that at the end of the day he was only 8 years old, he was thrust into a place of maturity and strength and he firmly believed that he could not allow himself to be scared or weak; he had too much responsibility on hand.

Gideon swallowed hard, knowing very well he was part of the reason his son so often put up this act of being braver than he really was, hid away fears, and was hurt in admitted he was scared. He was, after all, the one who thrust the responsibility of being a caretaker for the younger kids on him. He shook his head and placed his finger on Matt's chin, successfully lifting Matt's face up again.

"It's alright to be scared sometimes, son. This is your mother, and I know what she's going through must seem scary to you, and it worries me sometimes too but -" he broke off a moment, sighing deeply before continuing. "She'll be alright, she'll be with us again soon. She was just having too much trouble today, it would have been too risky to move her. Don't worry too much though, Seamus is looking after her. You remember him, yeah? We used to work together. He was a nurse. He used to give you those rare little candies, 'member?"

Matt slowly nodded his head, and he hoped his father wouldn't be able to tell he was forcing back tears.

"I know it's been tough, I know she doesn't look as strong as she usually does, I know you've seen her crying a lot recently...and I know you understand...but she's going to be just fine, Matt. I promise." He hesitated in embracing his son, but one look at his watering eyes told him it was what he really needed. "C'mon." He whispered and wrapped his arms around him. In that moment Matt let his defenses fall and he wrapped his small arms around his father's neck and let his tears fall.

"Just a little while longer, just a few more months...then everything will be okay."

When Matt woke up that morning and walked out of the children's room he was surprised to see his mother already sitting there, Seamus by her side. A sleepy, crooked smile crossed his face and he ran to her and wrapped his arms around her. He could feel her shaking slightly as she returned the hug, but he tried his best to ignore it.

"Hey kid," Seamus greeted him as Matt pulled away from Ciara. "Before I leave...wanted to give you a little present."

Matt's eyes widened as Seamus held out a small handful of boiled sweets. He used to tell stories every time he gave small children these candies, stories passed down his family about how they'd eventually come to own the biggest candy company in the area formally known as Northern Ireland. Of course the company was long gone now, but Seamus had inherited quite a bit of the leftover candy and being the giving man he was, he couldn't help but share with the children he so often took care of.

"Really?" He reached out for the candies as the man nodded his head. "Thanks."

"Don't go eating them all in one shot. Save 'em for a hard day, aye?" He chuckled upon seeing Matt already having one opened in his hand, ready to pop into his mouth.

He tucked the rest of the candies in the pocket of his nearby hanging jacket, then he returned his attention to his mother. She looked exhausted, and noticeably paler than she was the week before. Matt walked behind her and started to run his fingers through her long blonde hair, an attempt at helping her to relax just as he always saw his father do.

"I missed you, ma."

"I missed you too, Matty."

Her voice was as sweet as ever, making it the only thing currently reminding him of the strong, beautiful woman she usually was. The woman so full of life and love, who still held him on those harsh scary nights, insisting that he was not as grown up as he pretended to be and even he needed his mama sometimes, the woman who gave him strength and made him believe in a better tomorrow and told him all about her passions for technology that would better the world. She was a truly remarkable person, and Matt was blessed to call her his mother. He was convinced she could change the world one day, that they would live in a world where her technology was real. He wouldn't understand why she'd left for years to come, why she'd left it all behind and chose the family life instead. He was too young to understand the dangers and the power some technology came with, it was better to let him believe in the good it could bring instead.

"So, guess what I found out, Matt?" She asked, turning her head just enough to see him.

He dropped his hand from her hair, and with eyes widening in curiosity he moved to a spot in front of her so she wouldn't have to crane her neck. Cocking his head slightly, he asked, "What?"

"Seamus was able to get some of his medical technology up and running and...He told me we're having a baby girl. You're going to have a little sister!"

Matt's eyes fell to her ever growing stomach, he admired it a moment, and a small smile took up residence on his face. It grew wider as he looked up and saw the genuine sparkle of happiness in her eyes. Through it all, even the sickness and the weakness and the fears and the tears, he could see that she really was happy to be having this baby, this little girl. It softened his worries to even briefly see in her eyes the woman he knew so well.

"I'll take good care of her, ma."


End file.
